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The past eight days have been one test of faith after another, filled with highs and lows, triumphs and stumbling blocks, smiles and tears.
That's life, though, in its purest form, I suppose.
My mom is doing well, but we have had a few trials and anxious moments that have left me on my knees. We have listened to the same CD of hymns about thirty-eight times, and I have talked long with God throughout each of these days.
The long is road ahead of us, but we are trying to pray through the pain, laugh through the tears, and look for the positive anywhere we can find it. It's not always easy, and we sometimes fall to discouragement, but we're putting our faith in Him and putting those hymns on repeat once again.
My faith has been tested yet again and come out even stronger.
"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow... Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."
Dear Friends,
"Jesus answered them, 'Do you now believe? Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.'"--John 16:31-33
Exactly one year ago, my mom underwent surgery for a total knee replacement. The surgery was incredibly successful, but she had a small snag the night of her surgery that put her into the ICU for a day. After that big scare (which ended up being rather easily treated, thankfully), her recuperation and physical therapy was grueling and physically difficult, but she attacked every day with amazing strength--physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
I was with her throughout the process last year and, in fact, slept on the couch in the same room with my mom for ten weeks. We went through the whole process together; each mountain was climbed together, each victory celebrated together.
Shortly after the physical therapy ended last summer, we began to talk of the surgery for her other total knee replacement. Tomorrow morning--exactly one year later--she will enter the hospital for that surgery, and we will start the entire process all over again.
As I write this to you tonight, I am a mix of emotions.
I am ready to get this process started and get this show on the road. We have been gearing up for this for months, finalizing little details for weeks, and scribbling on post-its for last minute reminders for the last few days. I am geared up, and I feel prepared, and I'm ready to get this ball rolling.
I am excited for the opportunities that could come into her life with this surgery. I want her to be physically strong and whole again. Every day over the past year, I've witnessed how much she's improved, but I've also seen how much she needs this other replacement. I don't want any setbacks or hiccups to hinder or stall her recovery.
I am confident in her whole medical team--surgeon and assisting doctors, nurses, physical therapists, and everyone in between. I believe they are well-trained and capable, and they will bring the best care to her they have the power to provide.
I am hugely scared of history repeating itself and us hitting a snag again. It's kind of a double-edged sword: everytime I see her in pain, it hurts me, but it also reminds me of last year's bad memories, and both cut straight to my heart. I've been pushing these scary thoughts away for twelve months--hiding them behind music, movies, books, schoolwork, and moments of laughter--but they've always been lurking just below the surface, and I can't push them away anymore. The closer we've come to the surgery, I've had frequent insomnia, I occasionally wake up drenched in sweat, and sometimes I have terrifying nightmares. I don't have doubts about the surgery and the process, I am just scared. I had the normal fears that accompany any surgery last year; this time my memories are haunting me.
Up until about a week ago, I was really scared all the time, and I wasn't sure how I was going to survive this final week. I thought about it constantly, and I was terrified of the things that were constantly running through my head. I started praying about it all the time and, when I would get particularly frightened, go through the words of hymns in my head. Some of my favorite go-to's were/are The Old Rugged Cross, A Mighty Fortress is Our God, His Eye is on the Sparrow, Great is Thy Faithfulness, and, when all else fails, The Lord's Prayer. Here are a few of my favorite lines from A Mighty Fortress, my favorite hymn:
"And though this world, with devils filled,
Should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed,
His truth to triumph through us."
Earlier this week, though, a sort of peace came over me that I know came from Him. I have been able to sleep well, and I've been able to put the thoughts that scare me most out of my head, for the most part at least. My mom and I have laughed and talked of things beside the surgery; we have both been able to have a happy week. My prayers have been answered, and I have been reminded, for about the zillionth time, how great God truly is.
"I will say of the Lord 'He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.'"--Psalm 92:2
I am, of course, still scared as we sit just hours in front of my mom's surgery, but I am leaning heavily on Him. I know that His will will be done, and I know that I cannot possibly control or handle this situation on my own; I can't really do much of anything without His help, actually.
"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?"--Psalm 56:3-4
I ask, of course, for your prayers and thoughts for my mom and I throughout this process--especially tomorrow and through this week we'll stay at the hospital. It's just my mom and I, so everything she goes through is something I go through, as well. I know she's anxious for things to go smoothly, as well, so your prayers to calm her nerves (and mine!) would certainly be appreciated. Y'all constantly blow me away with your love, support, patience, understanding, and listening ears, and I am honored to count you all as my friends. Your prayers and thoughts mean the world to me.
"For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone."--Psalm 91:11-12
As I close this out and get ready for bed, my hands are shaking, and I know I am on edge. My mom cried as I told her goodnight, and I know we will both be changed people in a few days when some of this weight has been lifted. I pray the Lord will calm her nerves to ready her for surgery and clear her head so she can rest tonight
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."--Philippians 4:6-7
Last year it was about a month post-operation before I was able to post again, so I don't know when we'll meet again. I love you all, and I thank you so much for what you mean in my life. I'll see you when I see you--
All my love,
Ok, so I know it's barely even May, which is actually the last month of spring, but, for me... it's summatime!!
The semester has drawn to a close, and school is out for summer. Can I get a whoop whoop or a fist pump or something on that one?
Last week I was seriously a lady of leisure, as I slept late, lounged around reading in the sun, and indulged in some of my favorite activities, including:
*****a shopping excursion all by my lonesome, which is sometimes my favorite way to spend a day
*****a massage, which--even though the girl who did it practically cracked my spine in half with her pointy elbows and her intense pressure--was wonderful, as always; there's really no such thing as a bad massage
*****sushi with some of my favorite ladies, telling secrets and hashing out the world's problems
*****a mani/pedi
*****a crazy fun wedding with some of my favorite people of all time--lots of inappropriate things were said, hilarious pictures were taken, and, I kid you not, we laughed for hours. Early in the night, Boyce asked, "What's the main difference between tonight and high school?" We all laughed and admitted, not much. That would turn out to be more true than I imagined, as we are just as ridiculous as we were seven years ago (gasp!) when we were still wee high schoolers.
It was such a great, relaxing week, and I was pretty sad to see it go. There's lots to do this week, though, as I am starting the slow-but-sure move home that will take place over the three months to come. Last week, I received word on my placement for my internship (the last step in my Master's degree, a nine month/school year long experience) that I will start in August, and I will definitely be in a Lowndes county school, so... this lady is moving home. I had some mixed feelings about it, which I will share with you another day, I'm sure, but today I'm feeling okay about it. I'm saving a ton of money and living much closer to my job location, so it all seems to make pretty perfect sense. Also, my mom will be undergoing knee replacement numero two just two short weeks from today, so I'm both mentally and physically preparing for that, as well. More on that later, too.
Anyway, hope you all had a great weekend and your week is off to a great start. A few things I'm loving right this minute:
Cute, lightweight nightshirts to keep me alive cool through these sweltering Mississippi summer nights. (Yes, it's barely May and it's already pretty toasty.) I miss my apartment ceiling fan already, and, even though I've only been home a mere week, I have already woken up drenched with sweat more than once. Bring on the jersey knits and the cool cotton, I say.
Weight Watchers ice cream candy bars. Whoa. This is perhaps the best tasting diet food I've ever discovered. It seriously tastes awfully close to a Snickers ice cream bar (really!) but with a fraction of the calories... and who doesn't love that?! And, they're a reasonable size so you don't want to eat the entire box like you might with other somewhat-decent-tasting diet foods that look as if they were proportioned for Barbie and Ken to fill up on. Give 'em a whirl... you won't regret it.
Happy summer, my friends!
