A Little Life

"Sometimes I wonder about my life.  I lead a small life--well, valuable, but small--and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I haven't been brave?  So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?"--Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail 

I love this quote.  Partly because, as you may know, I not-so-secretly dream of being Kathleen Kelly, but also because I wholeheartedly identify with what she's feeling.  Do you ever feel like this?  Like you've made all the safe, comfortable, path-of-least-resistance choices while other people have, with a few different decisions, happened upon existences that are almost larger than life itself?  I must admit, I do wrestle with these feelings sometimes.  I peruse Facebook or read blogs, and I marvel at peopl--many of them my same age or younger, mind you--whose lives are so grandiose and out-of-this-world that my  mind almost can't comprehend what I'm reading.  People who sell their houses and their belongings and set off around the world armed with little more than a camera and a passport.  People who get engaged at the base of the Eiffel Tower on a cold winter's night.  People who take jobs across the country--or the world!--without knowing a soul, merely packing their briefcases and carry-ons, bound for a life bigger than they ever imagined.

I used to believe I was a person who could do things like that--leave behind every relationship and possession I've ever known and strike out bound for something wholly new.  I no longer believe myself to be that kind of person, but what I'm not sure of is why.  What changed?

Like Kathleen Kelly, I too lead a small life--full, yes, but small.  I long to go places and see things and have experiences, but I can't imagine leaving behind the comfort of my friends, my family, my past, my bookshelf, or the flowers I've planted in my yard.  Does this make me a coward?  Does this make me complacent?  Or does this simply make me... normal?

It seems to me that the percentage of people in this world who lead these made-for-the-movies lives is probably rather small compared to those of us who lead average lives--go to work and the gym and the grocery store and fill our lives with the simple pleasures of our comfortable surroundings.  Let me stop and say this:  please know that I am not by any means criticizing that type of life.  I love that type of life.  I live that type of life.  It's just that sometimes, when I read these blogs or see these pictures on Facebook, I start to feel something.  Something I don't really care for.  It's not jealousy.  It's not awe.  It's not even a desire to run out, buy a backpack and follow in their footsteps.  I think it might actually be... inadequacy.  As if my life isn't worth as much because I don't have a picture in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa or I've never ridden a bike through Bali.  That's totally my issue, I know that.

And... it appears this post has gone to a place I didn't plan on it going.

That seems about right, though, with the way things are in my life at the moment.  With graduation looming little more than two weeks away (yay!!) and, to date, no gainful employment or plan for the future beyond May 13 (yikes!!), my life is pretty up in the air.  I'm filled with uncertainty and anxiety and excitement and second-guessing and, yep, inadequacy pretty much all the time.

"The odd thing about this form of communication is you're more likely to talk about nothing than something.  But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.  So, thanks."--Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

The Song Remains the Same

Just a few days ago, I finished reading Jodi Picoult's latest book, Sing You Home.  I am a huge fan of Picoult's writing, and, while, for a number of different reasons you can read here, this wasn't my favorite of her books, it still got me to thinking.  One of the central characters in the book is a music therapist, and, during one of her narratives, she writes, "The music we listen to may not define who we are.  But it's a damn good start."  She goes on to ask the reader, "What songs would be on a mix tape that describes you?"
I know this might come as a surprise to some of you--NOT--but I couldn't just read that and blaze on to the next page.  I immediately had to stop and jot down the first few meaningful songs that came into my head, and, by the time I finished the book a few days later, I had my playlist finished, too.  It's, admittedly, a little lengthier than I originally intended, but every song, every piece of music included in this list means something special to me.  It might recreate a memory; it might plant a special person beside me; it might reignite a feeling buried deep inside; it might make me grab my hairbrush and hideously attempt to belt out the high notes; it might drive me straight out of my seat and straight onto the dancefloor.  It might do a lot of things; but one thing's definite:  something will happen for sure.
So, here lies the stuff I can play on repeat.  Here lie the songs I know by heart.  Here lies the music that brings me to life.

Billie Holiday:  They Can't Take That Away from Me
Alan Silvestri:  Annie's Theme from Father of the Bride 
Pitbull:  Hey Baby (Drop It to the Floor)
Queen Latifah:  When You're Good to Mama from Chicago
Cat Stevens:  Peace Train
Brandi Carlile:  Dreams
Matchbox Twenty:  Bright Lights
Sister Hazel:  All for You
Crash Test Dummies:  Mmh Mmh Mmh
Jerry Goldsmith:  Tryouts from Rudy
Vitamin String Quartet:  Hallelujah
Chris Rice:  Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Honestly Sincere from Bye, Bye Birdie
Sarah Maclachlan:  Song for a Winter's Night
The Outfield:  Your Love
John Mayer:  Edge of Desire
The Beach Boys:  Wouldn't It Be Nice
Robert Preston:  You Got Trouble from The Music Man
The Hollies:  Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)
Black Eyed Peas:  Rock That Body
Pat Green:  Wave on Wave
Phillip Keveren:  A Might Fortress is Our God/Trumpet Voluntary
Judy Garland:  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Lil Jon and LMFAO:  Outta Your Mind
What You Own from Rent
Coldplay:  Fix You
KC & The Sunshine Band:  Boogie Shoes
R. Kelly:  Ignition (Remix)
Stevie Wonder:  Uptight (Everything's Alright)
Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenowith:  Defying Gravity from Wicked
Girl Talk:  Down for the Count
Otis Redding:  Try a Little Tenderness
Sara Bareilles:  Gravity
The Four Seasons:  Let's Hang On
Train:  Get to Me
The World Will Know from Newsies
Run D.M.C.:  It's Tricky
Dave Barnes:  Until You
John Mayer:  Not Myself
Erin McCarley:  Love, Save the Empty
Reliant K:  Be My Escape
David Cook:  I'm Alive
Haley Westenra & Conventus Choir:  May It Be
Dario Marianelli:  Briony from Atonement
Tim Myers:  Brand New Day
Stevie Wonder:  For Once in My Life
Black Eyed Peas:  Alive
Mamas and the Papas:  Creeque Alley
Nat King Cole:  Smile
The Proclaimers:  I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
Chris Rice:  Great is Thy Faithfulness
Brooke White:  Every Breath You Take
Billy Joel:  Piano Man
Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Connor & Gene Kelley:  Good Morning from Singin' in the Rain
Miranda Lambert:  White Liar
Glee Cast:  Happy Days are Here Again/Get Happy
MC Hammer:  U Can't Touch This
All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera
All-American Rejects:  Don't Leave Me
Miles Davis:  It Never Entered My Mind
Kenny Chesney:  The Good Stuff
Elvis Presley:  Suspicious Minds
Consider Yourself from Oliver!
Nick Perito:  The Green Leaves of Summer from Inglourious Basterds
Keith Urban:  Somebody Like You
Fleetwood Mac:  Go Your Own Way
Something There from Beauty and the Beast
Reliant K:  The Best Thing
Train:  When I Look to the Sky
Sonny & Cher:  I Got You Babe
Fergie:  Glamorous
Jay-Z/Linkin Park:  Jigga What/Faint
Franz Liszt:  Hungarian Rhapsody
Lifehouse:  Somewhere in Between
Black Eyed Peas:  My Humps
Jim Sturgess:  All My Lovin'
Out Tonight from Rent
Carly Smithson:  Blackbird
Tag Team:  Whoomp!  There It Is
John Mayer:  Heartbreak Warfare
Ray LaMontagne:  You are the Best Thing
David Elder & Kate Levering:  Young and Healthy from 42nd Street
Itzhak Perlman:  Tango (Por Una Cabeza) from Scent of a Woman
Celine Dion:  A New Day Has Come
Tchaikovsky:  Op. 20/10-Scene from Swan Lake
Barbra Streisand:  I'd Rather Be Blue Over You (Than Happy with Somebody Else) from Funny Girl

So, like I said, I know it's a bit lengthy, but... well, perhaps I got carried away and just couldn't stop.  If you know me well, you probably realize this kind of activity is right up my alley, so my excess playlist shouldn't really come as a surprise.  It was awfully fun, though.  If you have a bit of extra time, try one for yourself.  I'm not laying down a gauntlet or challenge or anything, so don't feel at all pressured to top my 80+ songs, either.  Repeat:  I. Got. Carried. Away.

The Big Chill

I was in desperate need of a weekend where I did nothing.  I got zero rest over Thanksgiving break, had a jam-packed week last week and was exhausted by the time I made it to Friday afternoon.  I was invited to an out-of-town wedding and an out-of-town wedding party, but I just couldn't pull myself together to drive to either one.  Is that horrible? 
Yes, I know it is.  I should be ashamed of myself.
But, like I said, I was desperately seeking a weekend filled with nothing but chill time, so I had to seize my opportunity.
Friday afternoon I downloaded this little wonder from one of my favorite groups, and I spent a good amount of time jumping on my bed and dancing around my room.  If you think I'm kidding, well, you can think what you like.

Friday night I vegged out on the couch watching one of my holiday favorites.  Does it really get any better than a movie featuring Tom Hanks in about a zillion parts and a song about hot chocolate, too?  I think not.

Saturday I was able to sleep as late as I wanted to (how amazing is that feeling when you go to sleep and haven't had to set an alarm?!) and piddle around when I woke up.  Early afternoon, I indulged in one of my favorite pasttimes, picking up lunch and heading to the movies.  (Don't judge me for sneaking food into the movies; you know it's ridiculous to pay $3.75 for a small Dr. Pepper, too.)  I saw Love and Other Drugs, which was so-so; I would definitely recommend waiting to rent it if you want to see it.  You can check out my full review if you're interested, though.

Saturday night I went with my mom to see a local production of one of my favorite Christmas stories of all time.  If you haven't ever read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, run out to get it right now.  Young or old, you will laugh and come to love the Herdman's, I feel sure of it!  Several of my mom's students were in the play, and I had such a great time seeing this favorite story brought to life.

Sunday morning mom and I went to church, and I was so thrilled with all of the wonderful Christmas carols we sang throughout the service.  My pastor is doing a wonderful series of sermons on the roots of Christmas (looking at prophetic passages in the old testament that foretold the events of that first Christmas), and it was such a great and continued reminder of the real reason for the season.
Yesterday afternoon, after braving Wal-Mart (which was, of course, already a full-fledged holiday madhouse), I went to see Burlesque, which was full of glittery goodness.  The singing, dancing, costuming, etc., were really awesome, and it was just a lot of fun.  Again, you can check out my full review if you're interested.

I finished off a wonderful weekend by watching Amazing Race (do y'all love this show as much as I do?) followed by Holiday Inn, one of my all-time favorite Christmas classics.  Bing Crosby singing, Fred Astaire dancing, huge musical productions--I was in heaven.  Did you know the song White Christmas actually first appeared in this movie, not the movie White Christmas like most people think?  I'm not sure where I picked up that trivia gem, but it's a good one to have in your back pocket if you're ever involved in an intense game of Trivial Pursuit.  Stash it away, in case you ever need it.

My weekend was just what I needed, and, although I was one thousand percent lazy, I'm kind of glad I spent it this way.  The holidays get sort of out of control sometimes it seems, and before I know it they're over.  I'm glad I took this weekend to slow down, chill out, and soak up a little of the season's magic.

Dazed and Confused

Ok, so I don't really get Halloween anymore.
I understood Halloween when it was like this:

And I understood Halloween when it was like this:

I still understood it when it was like this, too:

But somewhere between this:

and this:

I got lost.  Baffled.  Confounded.  Muddled.  Perplexed.  Puzzled.  I just don't get it.
When did Halloween become so inappropriate?  So tasteless?  So... slutty?

When did the goal of Halloween become to show as much skin as humanly possible without being naked?  What happened to good old-fashioned creativity and a little homegrown ingenuity? 

I haven't dressed up for Halloween since college, and, being that I was never a big Halloween fanatic anyway, I haven't really missed donning a thrown-together costume and swilling down hunch-punch at some equally thrown-together house party.  Call me old-fashioned (or just old, if you like), but I've moved on.  (Let's be quite honest, the part of Halloween that gets me is this:)

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I just don't understand.  In all honesty, I just don't get it.
I mean, honestly, do nurses really dress like this:

Does a police officer go out in her cruiser dressed like this:

I work in a school.  How often do I see anyone dressed like this:

And, seriously, could Pochahontas have canoed all over creation (not to mention painted with all the colors of the wind) wearing only this:

It baffles me.
And not to mention the message it's sending to younger kids, who want to look grown up and dress like they see older people dressing.  (My job now creeps into every facet of my life... it's a knee-jerk reaction I have no control over.)

What's so wrong with dressing like this:

Or even this:

I know, I know... I'm 100 years old.  I can't help it.  It'd be fine with me if everyone created their Halloween costumes from objects lying around their houses--creating masterpieces out of cardboard boxes and pipe-cleaners, but I know (sadly) that's not the way of the world these days.

On a happier note, I'm so excited to see the Bulldogs play today!  I can't wait to see them take on Kentucky tonight, and I cannot believe how pumped up everyone is.  I'll leave you with this video someone put together in preparation for the game tonight.  Go Dogs!!



Happy Halloween!  (I'm not really sour, you know, just an old soul.)

Big Time or Bust

Tomorrow I start my internship.
I don't really know what I'm doing; I have no idea what I'm wearing; I'm not even sure what time I'm supposed to be there in the morning.  I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and that's a way I've never flown before, believe me.  I would much prefer coach, where I can make my own rules, decisions, and beverage choices, but God gave me this boarding pass, and I think He's pretty particular about sticking to the seat to which you were assigned. 
I am really, really nervous and excited and scared and intimidated and freaking out all at once, and I know that tomorrow morning I'm going to enter a different world that will consume my life for the next ten months.  I feel the winds of change blowing in, and I feel like this year is going to be big.  In a lot of ways.  In a lot of great ways.
As said best by the Black Eyed Peas... let's get it started! 
'Cause, let's be honest, I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
I found this little blurb in a random magazine today and thought it was sort of appropriate for the attitude I'm trying to adopt for the year.  A sort of This Is The Time lifestyle.  Here goes:

"Hey, it's ok!
... to laugh so loudly that everybody stares.
... to spend a whole happy hour making up names for that band you all are totally going to start one day.
... if the erotic appeal of toe-sucking utterly baffles you.
... to not have the kind of dad who plays golf, wears ties and serves as your personal ATM. (Hear that, greeting card people?)
... if you have a 'type.'  The heart wants what it wants.  Also, the loins.  They want what they want, too.
... to tell him you'll need more than a drawer at his place.  Please:  counter space in the bathroom, room in the closet and a spot for your soy milk.  Let's be real.
... to have a couple of holdover phrases from high school that you just can't get rid of.  Sweet!"

Some of those do not apply to me at all, and if you know me at all you will quickly see which ones I could leave off. You get the drift, though... it's okay to be who you are. I know that may sound elementary to some, but, on this night before I begin a year of working with hundreds of students from kindergarten to twelfth grade (who could say or do God only knows what at any moment, mind you), it was a point of which I was glad to be reminded. It's okay to be who I am... today, tomorrow, and the day after that.
Wish me luck tomorrow, friends.  Let's just hope I don't immediately get off on the wrong foot by saying something wholly uncool or walking out of the bathroom with t.p. trailing from my shoe or spilling chocolate milk on my white jeans (a la Never Been Kissed, of course).
True life:  I'm twenty-five years old, and the first day of school still terrifies me. 

Good Night, and Good Luck

Today was moving day. 
Everything was packed into boxes and hauled away in the moving truck... only to be unloaded 25 miles away in my storage unit--home to my belongings for the next year.  In all honesty, I am a mix of emotions leaving my apartment behind.  I know it wasn't much, but it was the first place in this world that was wholly mine, and I am going to miss being there.  I will miss sitting on my back porch and looking at the stars; I will miss sprawling diagonally across my bed with a good book;  I will miss my pictures on the wall; I will miss lounging on the couch storytelling and drinking wine with friends; I will miss decorating for Christmas; I will miss my flowers.  I can do all of these things at my mother's house, of course, but it won't be quite the same.  I will not miss, however, sweating to death in the kitchen and/or bathroom no matter what the time of year or the temperature; I will not miss the overly sensitive smoke alarm; I will not miss a closet the size of a postage stamp. 
Today I laughed to keep from crying, and looked forward instead of glancing back in the rearview mirror.  Just when I think I have everything figured out and compartmentalized perfectly, life, inevitably, changes again.  It's funny like that, isn't it?

In the little taupe room

There was a television

And a few spots of maroon

And a picture of...

Three friends standing under a beautiful moon

And there were teddy bears and black and white chairs

And a number of candles and a pair of sandals

And a cabinet of red and a wrought-iron bed

And a book and a brush and a note from a crush

And a quiet young lady who was whispering "hush"

Goodnight room

Goodnight room

Goodnight friends standing under the moon

Goodnight light and the spots of maroon

Goodnight bears

Goodnight chairs

Goodnight candles and goodnight sandals

Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

Goodnight cabinet of red and goodnight bed

Goodnight book and goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody

Goodnight crush

And goodnight to the young lady whispering "hush"

Goodnight stars

Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere