A Little Life

"Sometimes I wonder about my life.  I lead a small life--well, valuable, but small--and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I haven't been brave?  So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?"--Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail 

I love this quote.  Partly because, as you may know, I not-so-secretly dream of being Kathleen Kelly, but also because I wholeheartedly identify with what she's feeling.  Do you ever feel like this?  Like you've made all the safe, comfortable, path-of-least-resistance choices while other people have, with a few different decisions, happened upon existences that are almost larger than life itself?  I must admit, I do wrestle with these feelings sometimes.  I peruse Facebook or read blogs, and I marvel at peopl--many of them my same age or younger, mind you--whose lives are so grandiose and out-of-this-world that my  mind almost can't comprehend what I'm reading.  People who sell their houses and their belongings and set off around the world armed with little more than a camera and a passport.  People who get engaged at the base of the Eiffel Tower on a cold winter's night.  People who take jobs across the country--or the world!--without knowing a soul, merely packing their briefcases and carry-ons, bound for a life bigger than they ever imagined.

I used to believe I was a person who could do things like that--leave behind every relationship and possession I've ever known and strike out bound for something wholly new.  I no longer believe myself to be that kind of person, but what I'm not sure of is why.  What changed?

Like Kathleen Kelly, I too lead a small life--full, yes, but small.  I long to go places and see things and have experiences, but I can't imagine leaving behind the comfort of my friends, my family, my past, my bookshelf, or the flowers I've planted in my yard.  Does this make me a coward?  Does this make me complacent?  Or does this simply make me... normal?

It seems to me that the percentage of people in this world who lead these made-for-the-movies lives is probably rather small compared to those of us who lead average lives--go to work and the gym and the grocery store and fill our lives with the simple pleasures of our comfortable surroundings.  Let me stop and say this:  please know that I am not by any means criticizing that type of life.  I love that type of life.  I live that type of life.  It's just that sometimes, when I read these blogs or see these pictures on Facebook, I start to feel something.  Something I don't really care for.  It's not jealousy.  It's not awe.  It's not even a desire to run out, buy a backpack and follow in their footsteps.  I think it might actually be... inadequacy.  As if my life isn't worth as much because I don't have a picture in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa or I've never ridden a bike through Bali.  That's totally my issue, I know that.

And... it appears this post has gone to a place I didn't plan on it going.

That seems about right, though, with the way things are in my life at the moment.  With graduation looming little more than two weeks away (yay!!) and, to date, no gainful employment or plan for the future beyond May 13 (yikes!!), my life is pretty up in the air.  I'm filled with uncertainty and anxiety and excitement and second-guessing and, yep, inadequacy pretty much all the time.

"The odd thing about this form of communication is you're more likely to talk about nothing than something.  But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.  So, thanks."--Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail